I wrote the following texts as a response to the creative residencies Becoming [...] which took place in 3 different countries: Becoming Czech in Brno, Czech Republic; Becoming Romanian in Bucharest, Romania and Becoming Alman in Berlin, Germany. The fourth edition, Becoming British, is an exhibition interrogating national identities and processes of belonging from the perspective of migrant artists and communities based in England. It took place at Bloc Projects in Sheffield, from 17th to 25th June 2022 as part of the Migration Matters Festival.
The final monologue included in this series of texts is the piece that gave birth to the idea of the Becoming British play (and exhibition) and all the international residencies that followed.
WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND?
Written in February 2022, days after the invasion of Ukraine and before starting Becoming Czech.
Shock, sadness, impotence, anger
All the ways you can lose your home
Nationalism
Some of what is on my mind right now.
White supremacy
Racism
Borders
Refugees
My brother. His family
The sickening feeling of disgust in the face of our cruelty.
Safety. Comfort. Belonging
Individual responsibility and communal duty
The role of the state
The role of the arts
Guilt
The importance and power of the arts are always under question.
A call to action
Sprints VS marathons
Redistributing resources
Supporting what is already there
Scaffolding. Networking. Connecting
Doing instead of thinking
Coping
Bringing together
Sharing. Co-creating. Listening
Really listening
What does actually matter, at the end of the day?
INGREDIENTS FOR EXPERIMENTAL BELONGING
Written in March 2022 at the end of Becoming Czech.
INGREDIENTS FOR EXPERIMENTAL BELONGING - PART 1
Coziness and the belief that our collective energies merge and collapse on each other to create a soft cloud of understanding.
Solving problems like a fun, harmless drug that transforms challenges into silver bond of friendship.
Tired together by the invisible thread of our common destiny, we exist.
Under the canopy, new and wonderful things start to emerge.
We learn from each other
We transform
What does it mean to become in a world filled with uncertainty? What stays and what is gone forever?
We use our words and we use our bodies and like a living, breathing organism we contract under pressure and expand in our safety.
Safety. Safe. Protected. Privileged.
The missing voices push through the page and through the walls in our ears and our heads, they must be present. Visible.
Visible
Visible
Invisible
Visible
Invisible
Impossible.
It is? Who says, who decides, who gets to have the last word?
Who can tell you you are not enough and who is listening?
Can you truly be heard?
INGREDIENTS FOR EXPERIMENTAL BELONGING - PART 2
Trust
INGREDIENTS FOR EXPERIMENTAL BELONGING - PART 3
Potatoes
Mushrooms
Bread
Hummus
Tomatoes
Cookies
Beer, wine, homemade apple alcohol
Coffee! Lots of coffee
Tea
Oil
Onions
Coconut milk
Fruits, chopped with lova
Pastries
And some other stuff I forgot.
In case of need, ask a friend.
INGREDIENTS FOR EXPERIMENTAL BELONGING - PART 4
I am sitting in a silence that isn’t.
My breath is soft, relaxed. In the near distance, words of experience paint pictures now shared into the ether of the world. Movements further away remind me the city, its people, this country continue their activities unaware.
Does magic exist if no one witnesses it?
Isn't that exactly what magic is?
As soon as I attempt to understand what we’ve done, what is happening, the tent walls become bed sheets again; the stories become sound again; the soft embrace of a stranger: a bunch of weird people bumbling about in a building made of promises…
I always feel this uneasiness, like I need to justify every choice, every action by its usefulness, by its impact on society. It is exhausting. I am tired. Guild is a heavy feeling, I don’t want it anymore.
Can you hold it for me? Just a bit. Just for a little while so that I can slip into a coat of fantasy and forget about the wars, the injustices, the inequalities and the burning sensation that our world is ending.
Please. Give me your hand, see me for who I am and stand by my side.
Together, I feel, we can cope. We can move from survival to living. To thriving.
Thriving. What an intriguing word.
Grasp. Getting hold of. Flourishing.
Hold on to my hand, new friend.
Grasp, understand with me.
From individual branches we can become the forest.
We grow.
We transform.
We flourish
A NEVER ENDING PROCESS
Written in May 2022 as part of Becoming Alman. Based on the workshop participant’s notes.
A life-trip, observing the world from a different perspective.
A transition.
A constant process, experiencing the freshness of the new…Traumas.
When I go back home, it is not my place.
I really like it here but it is not my place.
This place doesn’t belong to anyone.
This is a journey. A never ending process.
No terminus.
Personally, I don’t feel integrated but rather incorporated.
I float. I don’t mix.
I am oil in water, chocolate powder.
I won’t melt.
You only complicate things with your arrogance and your bureaucracy and…
I feel your gaze, your questions.
I avoid contact because I don’t speak German. Or English.
I don’t have German friends.
My body is rigid. I am trapped in my body.
I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to…
I am forced to conform to this system. I cannot express myself properly.
There are too many codes.
I am told things, bad things, and I want to be able to respond.
I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to…
How do I quit or escape or unplug?
A life-trip, A never ending process. No terminus.
Who do I want to become? Who can I be? What am I?
Observing the world from a different perspective, becoming has already been.
I am what I transform into.
A translation of your version, a reference.
The alternative.
BECOMING BRITISH
Monologue written in Nov 2021 as part of the 1st Becoming British residency at Sheffield Theaters
Sorting out your oyster card for the very first time
Knowing the price of things
Going to a shop, a cafe or the pub and for the staff to know your name...and your order!
Having all the good recommendations
Knowing the history of the place
And being able to take friends and family around like a tourist guide
Hating on tourists!
And never, ever wanting to go back to Oxford street
Knowing the short cuts, the free exhibitions, the good deals
Walking on autopilot
Not looking at the buildings anymore. Nor looking up anymore
Accepting the bad as well as the good as “how things are”
Having the right clothes for the right weather
Finding yourself enjoying a rainy day
Consider wearing a skimpy dress when going out in winter aaaand… changing your mind and layering.
Layering!
Talking about the weather all-the-time!
Remembering the heatwave and that one time we spent the whole day in the park playing rounders
Having a barbecue as soon as the sun is out...even if it is in the middle of March
Craving a pint
Finding the smell of the pub almost… comforting
Eating a good pie
Fish & Chips, obviously
Being the first one to suggest popping the kettle on
After a while, going back home and being surprised by the familiar smell of your own house…
Saying stuff like “back home”, “in my culture”; “in my country”
And catching yourself doing it
Having to find your words in your own language
Using word from other languages, unaware
Feeling like an outsider when “ you go back”
Noticing what shops have closed, what buildings don’t exist anymore… having to look up.
Thinking “back in my day” and not catching yourself doing it.
Wanting to leave
Feeling guilty
Longing
Finding it rude when people don’t say sorry
Finding it rude when people don’t queue
Feeling smug that you live in a place where people do queue
Seeing cueing as the finest expression of civilisation
Not saying the things you really think how you really think them
Nodding, pretending you understand
“Working on your accent” !
Finding out, years later, that it is not “ears-dropping” , “pastry-dish” or “damp squid” (which makes much more sense if you ask me)
And messing up the little annoying bits of sentence that change everything: look out for, looking in, look up, look it up, looking for… ah!
English is half French anyway!
Stocking up on your favourite foods
Having too many KGs in your suitcase
Stuffing cheese in your pockets to go through security at the airport
Thinking
Thinking about the Home Office, deportation, detention, being kicked out, not let in
Being privileged to only be thinking about it at this stage
Feeling guilty again. Feeling lucky.
Sweating at passport control
Travelling with a whole bunch of documents like you are a special envoy or something
Proving your status, your income, your employment, your residence.
“I swear I am not leaving for long”. “I live here (no, not here-here but here there)”
“No, I don’t claim benefits” I don’t even know how they work
“Yes I pay taxes”
“No I can’t vote”
“Yes I have a job” - multiple jobs actually but I am not stealing jobs, I promise
I only take what I need and often give more than I have
No, no I don’t have dependants Not yet.
I haven’t been convicted, no.
I do have an income (not much, never enough but don’t say that!)
Don’t say your parents helped you, that looks bad.
Say you have savings. Make sure they show on your account
Get a bank account. And a credit card.
Find someone of a reputable profession to say that you are who you are.
That you is you.
Wait.
Wait.
Call. Wait.
Call.
Dave, Mitchel, Paul, Patrick, Antoinette, Neil
And finally Helen.
Thank you Helen!
Now
Solemnly, sincerely and truly
Declare and affirm
That on becoming
A British Citizen
You will be faithful
And bear true allegiance
To her Majesty Queen Elisabeth the II
Her heirs and successor
According to law
I will give my loyalty
to the United Kingdom
And respect its rights and freedoms
I will uphold
Its democratic values
I will observe its laws faithfully
And fulfill my duties
And obligations
As a British Citizen
I do
I do solemnly
sincerely and truly
Declare and affirm
That on becoming
A British Citizen
I will be faithful
And bear true allegiance
To her Majesty Queen Elisabeth the II
Her heirs and successor
According to law
I will give my loyalty
to the United Kingdom
And respect its rights and freedoms
I will uphold
Its democratic values
I will observe its laws faithfully
And fulfil my duties
And obligations
As a British Citizen
I will be faithful
And bear true allegiance
To her Majesty Queen Elisabeth the II
I will give my loyalty
to the United Kingdom
I will observe its laws faithfully
And fulfil my duties
And obligations
As a British Citizen
I do
I do
I do solemnly
sincerely and truly
Declare and affirm
I will be faithful
I will give my loyalty
to the United Kingdom
And respect its rights and freedoms
I will uphold
Its democratic values
I will bear true allegiance
To her Majesty Queen Elisabeth the II
Her heirs and successor
I do
I do
I will give my loyalty
to the United Kingdom
And respect its rights and freedoms
I will uphold
Its democratic values
I will observe its laws faithfully
And fulfill my duties
And obligations
As a British Citizen
I will
I will
…
I do.